Being Strong

“How can I be strong?” 

“I have to be strong for them!” 

“If only I were stronger, I’d be able to do this.” 

“Oh my gosh! They’re so strong. I’ll never be like them.” 

These are all statements that I hear from clients, family, and friends on a fairly frequent basis. It seems that everyone is on a quest to obtain this mystic quality that can elude us all - strength. While it appears that most of the people I encounter daily are on a journey for strength, it seems to have an ever-changing definition depending on who you ask. So what is strength, where does it come from, and how can we obtain it? 

While I wish I could boil this down into three simple steps that work for everyone, I’m afraid it’s not so simple. If it were, wouldn’t we all be claiming how strong we were instead of wishing for more strength? Since I cannot provide you all with such a simple recipe for strength, let’s first begin by breaking it down a little bit further.
When looking at the dictionary, we find multiple definitions of strength. If they can’t get it clear, how can we!?The top 5 definitions boil down into the measure of physical strength, the potency of a drug, the number of people in a group, the positive qualities of a person, and, finally, the ability for something to be able to withstand enormous pressure or force. So even when we try to break down what strength is, we are faced with the realization that “strength” does not belong to just one concept. It doesn’t look the same for everyone.

Maybe these multiple means explain why it’s such a tricky task to obtain strength. I think our first step should be determining what strength means to you, or for you to decide what type of strength you are chasing after. For our purposes here, I’m going to focus on emotional strength. In my role, emotional strength is typically what people seem to be talking about when talking about strength. 

So if we are focusing on emotional strength, what does that look like? Where does it come from? To better answer this question, I think it’s essential to find an example of someone that you feel exemplifies emotional strength. Take a moment to reflect on the people you consider to be emotionally strong. What common qualities do they share? Do the different people you consider strong engage in similar patterns or behaviors that demonstrate their strength? In what times do they seem to be at their “strongest”?

For me, a few of my closest friends pop into my mind. They almost always seem to be open, honest, and authentic to themselves and those around them. These friends don’t shirk from difficult conversations or confrontational moments. Instead, when faced with challenges of some sort, these people come back to these core values of honesty, openness, and authenticity. They face hard moments by focusing their energy towards coming together in better understanding and mutual respect, instead of looking to defend or protect. These people choose to share vulnerable parts of themselves to forge stronger connections with those around them. So, to me, emotional strength is characterized by people making an active choice to live within their values throughout all interactions. Emotional strength is choosing to be open, honest, authentic, vulnerable, and seeking to form stronger connections. 

I think it is valuable to distinguish that these are active choices we are all capable of making. No one is guaranteed to be emotionally strong all of the time. Choosing to be strong through being vulnerable or through fighting an urge to defend yourself can be incredibly difficult. It takes effort and courage to make that choice and to follow through with it. But if those choices are what make us “strong,” then shouldn’t they be worth the effort it takes to make them? One of my favorite sayings is, “Comfort is the enemy of change.” In this case, we could modify that statement to say, “Comfort is the enemy of emotional strength.”

So if you’re searching for ways to be emotionally strong, I encourage you to look at the people you know that embody what that means for you. Remember that they are making active choices to be strong, and you can too. So the next time you find yourself saying, “I have to be strong for my family,” remind yourself that being strong can look like crying in front of them to connect to the shared pain and suffering after experiencing a loss. Being strong can mean searching for ways to connect in understanding instead of following the urge to defend yourself. Being strong can mean choosing to live authentically both to yourself and those around you.